Everything You’re Going to Hear About The Oscars…(so save yourself some time)

If you didn’t watch The Oscars, here’s what you missed and what you’ll hear about for the next 7-10 days!

  1. Jennifer Lawrence won Best Actress… and fell on her way up the steps (but looked really good doing it)
  2. Quentin Tarantino won Best Screenplay… which I’m sure was a big F-U for the overly sensitive critics of Django Unchained
  3. Ben and George are the new Ben and Matt
  4. Michelle Obama has bangs, still
  5. Oh yeah, Michelle Obama also presented Best Picture with Jack Nicholson via satellite (she may have been scared good ol’ Jack was gonna pull an Adrien Brody)
  6. Life of Pi won the most awards for a movie no one saw in the U.S.
  7. Renee Zellweger can’t read apparently
  8. Kristen Stewart looked stoned (and was sporting a fashionable bruise on her arm)
  9. Halle Berry and Charlize Theron mysteriously don’t age
  10. John Travolta screwed up the pronunciation of Les Misérables…even though the title had been mentioned a dozen times before
  11. ‘We saw your boobs’ was the best thing Seth Macfarlane did last night
  12. Some critics thought Macfarlane’s jokes were too offensive…apparently they’ve never seen ‘Family Guy’, ‘Ted’, or anything else he’s ever done
  13. Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress…and apparently no one knew she had nipples until last night (I always knew!)
  14. Jennifer Hudson can sing really, really well…apparently no one knew that until last night either
  15. Daniel Day-Lewis is now officially the best actor that ever lived