The Best Parts of a Relationship You Won’t Admit Out Loud

  1. It’s almost impossible to be embarrassed.

    The days of wondering what’s in your teeth are long gone!

  2. He knows your really ugly cry face and he hasn’t run away.

  3. He’s seen you naked with the lights on… and he hasn’t run away.

  4. He doesn’t get grossed out if he catches you plucking out an unwanted hair… or 2…or 3.

  5. No matter how mad he is, he’ll never cross the line by watching the next episode of the Walking Dead without you!

  6. He’s seen your childhood photos, embarrassing high school photos, and maybe even your drunk MySpace photos, and doesn’t judge you.
       

  7. He’s seen you in your granny panties on laundry day and it doesn’t turn him off.

        

  8. You now have someone to practice that “Dirty Dancing” move with.

         

Advertisements

7 Signs She’s Emotionally High Maintenance

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m reviving my blog and spreading some dating advise for all you single-and-ready-to-mingle guys out there. You may be looking for love or just starting out with your beau, either way, knowing these 7 signs will come in handy at some point. To be clear, this list is not to put down girls that need to be told “I love you” a little more than the rest, because I am the worst offender for this! But know that if the girl you are with meets these criteria, you better be damn sure you can handle her!

So first thing to note, your emotionally high maintenance lady friend may seem really cool and totally manageable at first (unless she’s psycho emotional, then you’ll know immediately). She won’t be the type of girl that needs five star dinners and bling, she’ll genuinely appreciate the little things – like surprising her with a can of Mr.Pibb because you remember she said she liked those once. This will make her seem low maintenance, which you will love (at first), until you realize it’s more than free soda she’s interested in…she actually wants your LOVE! Dun, dun, duuuunnnn…

So let’s get to it! Here are the 7 signs she’s emotionally high maintenance:

1. She can laugh at herself (a little too much).
When you tell her she looks nice in a dress and she replies, “Well I decided dresses were more comfortable than jeans because I have a big butt.” That’s called self deprecating humor, which is great, and usually funny- but also means if she does it too much, she’s not really joking.

2. She can’t take a compliment. 
Every time you tell her she’s beautiful, she replies “no I’m not,” which means she needs you to come back with a follow up compliment that’s even better like, “you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen” in order for her to believe you.

3. She requires a card to go along with all her gifts. 
If you buy her one of those over priced Pandora bracelets, sure she’ll love the bracelet, but where’s the card? The card is filled with the words that express the feelings that reaffirm the relationship. She really just wants you to write down all the gushy stuff you can’t muster the guts to say to her out loud (cuz you’re a dude and stuff). The card is the real gift.

4. If she stares at you longingly after you’ve just seen an epic romcom scene.
Okay, this means she’s thinking one of two things. The first is, “why can’t you be more like him?” OR “I hope this is giving you ideas…” Either thought is emotionally driven.

5. Six months into dating, she refers back to the cutsie text messages you used to send her when you first started dating, and asks why you don’t flirt like that anymore.
It’s not always true about relationships, but it is common that after a while that sweet “you hang up”, “no, you hang up” stage starts to fade, and text messages are sent on an informational level like “I’m on my way, what do you want to eat?” versus ,”Can’t wait to see you tonight cuddlebear ; ) xoxo” and all that other stuff. (Oh by the way, did anyone catch the phone reference I made? Couples actually used to TALK on the phone….anyway, moving on.)

6. Once a month she’s a little cray, cray!
PMS is not a myth, however, it effects every woman differently. Some are moody, others have cramps, headaches, etc.  But then there are the already emotional girls who just go bonkers! I know what I’m talking about here, I am berserker around this time! You’re emotionally high maintenance girl will seem almost bipolar, except for the fact that her crazy correlates with a very specific event. She will love you for half the day, hate you for an hour, then really really want a hug later.

7. She LOVES Surprises!
Like not modestly, she really loves surprises. Any kind of surprise will send this type of girl reeling. Because every surprise- big or small- means you thought of her that day.

If you’re the kind of guy that can handle this sort of thing, then you’re golden. Your emotionally high maintenance GF will treat you like a king if you just show her that you care, a lot. If at any time while reading this, you thought to yourself, “a girl like this is f***ing crazy!” then watch for these signs, and thank me later. Happy Valentine’s Day!

You’re What’s Wrong with TV

Do you watch Toddler’s & Tiaras, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and last (and certainly the worst) Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Then you’re what’s wrong with TV. Entertainment is a supply and demand industry, if the people want it, the shitty shows will keep coming!  The days of marginally interesting twenty-somethings sharing their trials and tribulations with the world ended in ’98 with The Real World: Seattle. Reality television at its conception could have been a gateway to some raw, emotional content, but instead turned into mindless and down right embarrassing entertainment.

You, like most, find these “reality stars” disgusting and incredibly stupid- but like a train wreck- you can’t help but watch. I can understand the joy of mindless TV, I dabble in some Duck Dynasty every now and again, but my TV lineup is not limited to producer-enhanced reality shows. The level of awesome that exists in shows like Sons of Anarchy (FX),  Justified (FX), and The Killing (AMC) is just mind blowing!  I won’t even bother giving a shout out to Breaking Bad because by now you should know what you’ve been missing. The talented writers, the sheer genius of it all, still goes unnoticed by so many viewers too busy with snobby, farting, socialite stage moms.

There are some equally amazing comedies out there if the doom and gloom of these shows just isn’t your thing. The writing for instance on The Soup (E!) is just so damn witty and intelligent, and they just spend the entire 30 minutes recapping all the dumb shit you’ve been watching. Happy Endings was another great comedy that, due to a lack of intelligent viewership, went down (twice!).

My point is this, if you’re going to watch shitty TV, at least make up for the brain cells you’ve lost by tuning in to something that is going to provoke thought and educate you just a little bit more.

In Memoriam: The Shows You Killed

  1. Fringe
  2. Terriers
  3. Happy Endings
  4. Pushing Daisies
  5. Six Feet Under
  6. Dirty Sexy Money
  7. Deadwood
  8. Carnivàle
  9. Arrested Development (it counts, because Season 4 shouldn’t have been made 7 years later!)

Top 5 Shows You Should Be Watching (don’t let them die)

  1. Justified (FX)
  2. The Bridge (FX)
  3. The Killing (AMC)
  4. Banshee (Cinemax)
  5. Hannibal (NBC)

The REAL Almost 30

Like many of you in your mid to late 20’s, I thought things would be different by now. When I was 15, I was sure that by 27 I would be married, living in the perfect house, well in to a successful career (doing exactly what I wanted), and planning for my first child. Today, I am still none of those things. I am unmarried (although recently engaged), I am well in to a career (but still finding my passion), and the last thing on my mind right now is a baby.

I don’t have it all together, I’m actually at a turning point in my life where the things I thought I wanted are just the opposite. For a while I was worried that I wasn’t figuring it out on time, but as I observed other people around me, I’ve come to find I’m not alone.

So many of us are either living at home with our parents or struggling to afford apartments. We’re still in school, still trying to figure out what really hits our core and makes us happy. We’re still looking for ‘the one’, we still believe there is a ‘one’. Our parents are pushing us to have kids because by our age they were already parents (but really, they just desperately want to be grandparents).

The REAL almost 30 is still growing up. I can’t put my finger on why…maybe we were coddled too much, maybe we didn’t want to make the same mistakes our parents did, maybe it was the economy, maybe it was the movies. I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t have it all figured out. My plan was flawed, but I have not failed. We have to keep changing, growing, and reminding ourselves that we don’t have to have all the answers now even though we expected to.

If you’re going through the same thing. I’d love to hear about it! Tweet me or leave a comment on this post!

NEWS FLASH HOLLYWOOD: When you’re pregnant you gain weight!

The concept of pregnancy these days seems to be blowing the minds of celebrity gossip writers everywhere!

BREAKING NEWS: When you’re pregnant, you gain weight- there is a person in there. When you’re pregnant, your hormones change and you may grow some whiskers (no big deal). When you’re pregnant, you will bloat and your breasts will swell to an unusual size!

Women have been having babies since the beginning of humanity, have they not? Did I miss something? I think we all took sex-ed, right? Or maybe people do know that these things happen, but only to “normal” women- not celebrities. No, they aren’t normal, their bodies are super human and defy the laws of nature. Those who show weakness and succumb to hormones are just not worthy of praise. In fact, they should be constantly ridiculed, yes, ridiculed!

Take for instance Kim Kardashian, I don’t even like her, but I have to come to her defense on this one. On every cover of every magazine, she is labeled as “fat”, ummmm she’s pregnant! Granted, some women are genetically blessed like Kate Middleton, but she is not the norm by any means for pregnant women. Or take Drew Barrymore, who recently revealed that she grew facial hair during her pregnancy. She jokingly called it a “goatee”, so the headline naturally read “Drew Barrymore Grew a Beard When She was Pregnant”….but I assure you, they were probably just a few stray hairs here and there.

Seriously folks, I fear for any young actress today who wants to have kids. How painful it must be to be perceived as a sexual icon, to then become pregnant and have to deal with your own private issues and transitions, just for the tabloids to splash “fat” pictures of you all over the Internet and probably drive you to tears! (Which I’m sure they do)

And God help you if you give birth and don’t lose the baby weight overnight so you can be on the cover of People Magazine where you can flaunt your post-baby body and diet secrets!

And the pressure for models is even greater, but their bodies are their jobs, so I see the urgency I suppose. But I thought an actors job was to act? When did actors also become models? When did being rail thin mean you were more likely to win an Oscar? It doesn’t!

Drew Barrymore:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/13/drew-barrymore-goatee-facial-hair_n_3075841.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Kim Kardashian:
http://hollywoodlife.com/2013/03/29/kim-kardashian-bullied-fat-jay-leno-interview/

Satan…or the President? Oh c’mon!

I don’t want to look like the grand defender of the Obamas, I’m certainly not. But I do have to say, people have way too much time on their hands! Unless you live under a rock, the new History Channel mini series “The Bible” is being watched by everyone, everywhere, ever (except for me apparently), and it’s being implied that the actor who plays Satan looks like Barack Obama. Now I’m not saying he doesn’t (he kinda looks like a sickly, homeless version) but I can’t believe it’s considered news. I can see people sitting on their couches on Sunday and thinking “hey, that guy who plays Satan sort of looks like the President, hmm…” and that being the end of that. But no, the media must write countless articles about it, going as far as asking the creators of the series if it was deliberate (which is a pretty stupid question).

In fact, I’d like to take the time to defend the actor- Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni- I bet he beat out a bunch of actors based on his acting chops and not his face. I can’t imagine the casting director was like, “That’s the guy who should play Satan! He can’t act for shit, but he looks like Obama! Sold!”.

And here’s my final thought on the series itself…. the guy who plays Jesus is pretty hot. And no, it’s not sacrilegious to say so because he isn’t actually Jesus Christ.

obama-reallt???

No,Taylor! No!

Taylor

Ugh, I hate to say this, but Taylor Swift has officially become a member of the Overly Sensitive Society. It pains me to say it, because I love her music. She makes me feel fifteen again. But you know what I love more than Taylor Swift? Tina Freaking Fey! In the latest issue of Vanity Fair, Taylor Swift responded to the Tina Fey & Amy Poehler Golden Globes jabs by saying ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women”….. um Taylor, that’s not very Christian of you to say.

They’re comedians, it’s not personal. They’re paid to poke fun at people, especially if tasked with the job of hosting an award show. And to be fair, Taylor likes to dish it herself every time she writes a song about an ex boyfriend, but she clearly can’t take it! I’m not going to knock on her for having a new relationship every week, because if I were in Hollywood with those kinds of options I’d probably do the same! But know that you’ll be scrutinized for being a little floozy.

Besides, hell (if there is such a place) is reserved for people like Hitler, Bin Laden, Stalin, and the guy who cut me off this morning.

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/celeb-news/amy-poehler-reacts-taylor-swift-am-going-hell-232437288.html

And here’s one of the jokes…pretty tame if you ask me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bU6I6BjEIIk